I have just heard that my meditation class has the green light for Monday and that there are going to be a dozen people there. How's that for the Universe giving me a sign? Leading meditation is something that I love but that also fills me with anxiety. My throat chakra is something that I continually work on as I have been a bit timid with my voice over the past many years. I think that the message I will take, from this class going ahead, is that it is time for me to be heard. Leading meditation takes a huge amount of trust-something I also have had issues with in my life. Often suspicious of others' motives in the past, I now try to take things at face value without inventing full-blown imaginary stories. It is actually astonishing how often I stop myself from inventing a background story and I increasingly confess to my husband that so-and-so didn't actally say that-I assumed it ! I think that he finds it quite amusing :-)

What else? Big news is that my son moved to Canada last Friday and my heart did indeed feel very 'cracked' after waving him goodbye at Glasgow airport. I managed to hold it together till we got into the car park and saw a little person flapping around in a baby harness and I realised that Andrew was that size when we brought him home from Canada almost 20 years ago. Many tears were shed on Friday and I took Star of Bethlehem (for the sadness) and Honeysuckle (for the regrets of time passing) and I was right as rain by Sunday. Seriously, for anyone who has to wave goodbye to a loved one (whether in life or death) those 2 remedies are wonderfully healing. I am now looking forward to spending lots of time chatting via skype with him. I jokingly (although with a definate large pinch of truth) told him that there was a bit of me looking forward to him being away so that we could chat more often :-)

A double whammy to my heart will come again when I have to kiss both him and his sister goodbye in Canada. The remedies will be needed and used.

I am off to London this weekend, to sit in on a Bach Level 2 course. I am soooo looking forward to it because Kate taught me my Level 2 and she was inspirational and I wanted to some day teach in the same way that she did. I spent loads of hours on the weekend trying to work out my plan of action. Train, Fly, Drive ? I finally decided on the flying option due to it working out as cheap to fly+rent a car as it was to get the sleeper (with a bunk) down. It means that I am having 2 nights down with my brother-in-law and his family, instead of my originally-booked 1 but that will be really nice. They are only a half hours drive from the course so it's all worked out perfectly although, over the weekend, I thought that I was never going to get sorted. The minute I decided on the sleeper option and went through all the booking procedure, I discovered that I was only getting a recliner seat at that price. So, moving on to the 'is flying as cheap?' option, I discovered it was but I exhausted several hours looking for a very early morning flight which would allow me to go down on Saturday morning.

To no avail except if I took a taxi from Heathrow-naah.

So next, on to my in-laws to see if they would increase my B&B to 2 nights ? Of course (they are very kind) and so I found a flight and car hire and then realised that I was just about to mail my only valid photo ID to get a new passport. Do you need photo ID for a domestic UK flight? You tell me ! Varying answers online so I am delaying sending my passport till next week and hope that they get a shift on to get it back to me for my hols.

I really need to get a photo driving licence and speaking of that, I can't find my paper licence and so how am I going to get that rental car?

On that note I shall close for now and go look for my driving licence. Bill assures me that it has to be............... 'somewhere'

Sending much love out into the world today and everyday,

Lxxx

Happy Friday (which began as last Thursday, this Monday, this wednesday-oops)
I know that it has been more than a few days since I posted but it seems like every day has been swallowed up with everyday life.
And everyday life is great.
I don't know how I used to fit in everything that I did when the kids were small. And I used to be up at the crack of dawn to get started. Maybe that was the secret? If you are up at 6am, you are bound to accomplish loads ? But I do remember falling asleep pretty much every night when I tucked them in, which I suppose was expected.
Tiredness has been a huge factor for me this past few days. I seem to be running on empty.
Of course, there is the remedy Olive (for tiredness) that I could have been using but I was trying to stick with Pine as a solo.
Why?
Why, when I know that tiredness is a cause of stress (and therefore illness) would I opt to resist taking it for so long ?
We'll, there is still a part of me that errs on the self-destructive side. It is much less than it used to be but it is still there.
Take, as an example, the fact that, the other night, I was still sitting up watching 'mindless' TV at 1am when I knew that I had to be up and functioning at 8am. Why would I do that ?
Pine, I believe, is the correct remedy for me to stick with. It encompasses feelings of unworthiness, of not being good enough and, of course, it is the remedy for feelings of guilt.
Whilst I know that I do deserve great things and also that I am worth as much as everyone else, I wonder whether my subconscious is still processing those thoughts into feelings.
Being brought up in my generation (I turned 50 this week) meant that I was never praised for doing a good job or told that what I did was great. If I was acknowledged at all, it was to remind me that it wasn't good to think highly of myself. Don't get me wrong, my mum and dad did love me but they didn't want me to be 'big-headed'
And so I sit typing this, not feeling surprised that I may be harbouring some deeply ingrained guilt feelings around feeling good about myself. If I managed to fulfil all my dreams and became really successful, what would that mean ?
I look back to my childhood and to the hiding of my abilities so that people wouldn't think that I thought I was better than them-a recurring theme throughout my life. I became the 'dummy' who made jokes about herself and about anything good that people saw in me. It was easier than risking them thinking that I was feeling good about myself which was WRONG and BAD or so I thought.
I have so many close friends who struggle with this same emotion. It doesn't always stem from the same source as mine but they battle, as I do, to feel that they are good people who are as important as everyone else.
As always, when I have a revelation about my need for a specific remedy, I look around me to find that most everyone else needs it too.
The Olive is in my bottle, now but I think that it is playing catch up. I dread to think how tired I would be if I wasn't taking it.
I have also put myself on Hornbeam because I tend to feel more tired when I wake up than when I went to bed. I am also procrastinating big-time and am hopeful that hornbeam will get me going on all the stuff I need to do.
However, as I type this I am fighting off the word ELM and I suspect that it may be the right remedy to add next. My back plays-up when I am overwhelmed. It took me many years and surgery to realise this fact. The interesting thing is that I still don't recognise that I am overwhelmed until my back-pain says hello.
Maybe you also have a physical pain which is an indicator of stress ?
Give it some thought in the coming days.
On that note, I must go. This blog has been in creation for days and I am determined to post it today :-)
Love to all,
Lxxxx
and I am still meditating and will write about that next time........soon.

Happy Sunday and in my little piece of home, the sun is STILL shining-yippee.
We have had an incredible last week of March with the temperature competing with out hottest days in July (if you look at our last few summers)
April is off to an equally sunny start, even if the thermometer readings are a few digits down.
I hav just lost th powr of my lttr that coms bfor f in the alphabet-oh, there it's back. That was very interesting, to try to phrase the thermometer readings differently from my intended 'degrees lower' when the E stopped working on my keypad.
One of those days. My kettle gave up the ghost last night and I had to boil my water in the microwave this morning until my very clever hubbie worked some magic.........
He changed the fuse in the plug :-)
Mmmm.......good job that I didn't stop off at the store on my way home from dropping Ali at her rehearsals. Debenhams have a sale on and I was going to nip in and get a new kettle-oops, that would have been premature.
It's the second time, in the last few days, that the kettle has complained about my handling of it. Alison says that it's my impatience and I guess that she's right. The kettle no sooner switches it's 'I'm boiling' light off and I am emptying it into my cup. The problem being, that I REALLY empty it and I think that the element goes in the huff because it's not even paused for breath but I'm refilling it and switching it back on.
I promise to pay more attention to my kettles needs because 'it has the power' -truly :-)
Sitting outside as I tap this out, it is definitely cooler than of late. Every time that the sun goes behind a cloud I want to rush in for a hoodie. Just like typical July weather in Edinburgh, really.
I wouldn't be surprised if there was a greater than average number of SAD sufferers in Scotland. That said, we had an incredibly 'bright' rather than 'grey' winter this year. Our weather is very much a standing joke to everyone and tourists are able to buy postcards to send home which refer to how bad it is.
Is bad weather bad for our emotional health ?
I think not but our emotional response to bad weather is.
Someone once said to me that
'There's no such thing as bad weather.........just inadequate clothing'
And I am inclined to agree with them but still have to remind myself that a 'rainy' day is just weather.
And that's the trick, I think, to maintaining our emotional health, with weather in mind or anything else that seems to 'cause' us to be upset. To remember that it's just 'a car', 'a job, 'a kettle', 'an argument', 'a football game', 'an illness', 'a missed bus'..............but we add a story to it and make it personal. We blame the event/thing/person for how we feel and it makes it easier to accept it but in the process we don't look at the 'button' that was pushed, that made us have an emotional reaction to the situation in the first place.
We all do it to a more or less degree. Happily, I do it far less than I used to
The 'old' me would have huffed and puffed about that kettle not working and would have taken no responsibility for it being my fault. Or perhaps I would have blamed bad luck or been really angry at myself for being stupid which would still have resulted in my being in a strop.
You'll be glad to know that none of the above took place this morning and, whilst I took responsibility for repeating an action which made the kettle malfunction, I did not thing of myself as stupid. I made a silly mistake..........again. The mistake was silly-not me :-)
Bill has told me that I need to take 'that remedy that stops you from repeating the same mistakes' and he may have a point :-) (Chestnut Bud is the remedy which helps us to learn from our repeated ‘trials’)
But, for now, I am using Pine as a solo.
My meditations seem to have flagged up my need to build up my self-worth and Pine is the remedy for those who never feel good enough.
Whilst I thought that I had dealt with this many times over, across my many years of Bach Flower remedy use, I find that I am amidst another layer of it.
It's origins are clear to me this time, though and that is why I feel the need to stick with Pine for a few days, to see if I can't shift the childhood inferiority complex which developed because I was not strong enough to stand up for myself, neither with my peers or with my parents. I also felt guilty if I was better than anyone else at something and so I got smaller and smaller to hide my talents.
Sure, I developed a false bravado, to over compensate but that became a pretty big noose around my neck over the years.
As an adult, I thought that I had dealt with the bullying behaviour that I experienced as a child and I did..........but I did so as an adult and not as a child.
Somehow, I have to look at the negative tapes that were written into my psyche, as a child and I have to rewrite them.
Meditation is one way of doing this. (I am doing 20 mins x 2 daily)
Affirmation is another (my current one is 'I am successful')
And of course I have my Reiki and my Bach remedies.
I use the Reiki each time I meditate, so that I am self-healing at the same time.
And I use my wonderful Bach box for whatever emotion needs balanced.

I was on a roll this morning with this but it’s now late and I want to post the bit I have done.
Who knows if I will come back to it or go off on a completely different tangent next time? Not me :-)

Much love to all for the coming week,
Lxxx

My Magnolia tree is on full bloom a whole month early and my daffodils were in bloom in Feb. Bonkers.
Perhaps we are going to end up with our Summer in Winter and vice versa 'cause I am pretty sure that we won't be blessed with the sunshine lasting from now to September...... or is that defeatist ?

It's Day 52 of my meditation programme and I am repeating week 5. Again, the main reason for doing so is that I haven't read the blurb for week 6, which is the final week of my book.
But, it won't be the final week of me meditating. I am going to commit to continue doing daily meditations and perhaps I will even manage to keep on with the twice daily that I am now used to.

WHY, you ask? Have my results been THAT good ?

Well, not if you saw me squirm my way through last evenings 15 minutes of meditation, they're not. I’m not sure what was going on but I definitely was not happy to be sitting quietly with my thoughts. Perhaps you thought that I’d be an expert by now......I did But it’s simply not what’s happened although I have progressed to doing 20-30 mins both morning and evening and usually fairly easily. But I am still apt to find my mind a wandering and having to remind myself to BREATHE.

That said, if you compared my level of normal everyday calmness to that of 7 weeks ago, there is a definite increase in that. There is also an increase in my ability to pay attention to what’s going on NOW. That includes paying better attention to what other people are saying rather than planning my 'good/helpful/thoughtful' response, whilst they are talking. Did I actually think that planning a response, without really listening to what was being said, was ever going to be as helpful/good or thoughtful as fully paying attention to the person talking?
Often, with my kids, I have nodded and 'uh hu'd' my way through their stories. On Sunday morning, on Alisons paper-round, I really paid attention to her and I was soooo aware of making the effort not to skip to a reply or drift off to planning my day. It was great. She’s always been brilliant at making sure that I hear what she needs me to. Even as a really little person she would see that I wasn’t paying attention and ask me what she had just said.........errr, Mmmm???

And I have realised that I don't always need to be heard, by way of giving an in depth reply to someones story. Sometimes it's ok to just listen and hear. Perhaps my need to be heard by others has diminished these past 7 weeks and maybe I am seeing that the only person that truly needs to hear from me is me.

And on that note let’s post this to save my getting distracted and finding that it’s Friday.

Much love to all,
Lxxx

Must go as Jen is waiting to get on this machine. Will try to blog a bit more frequently but it is what it is.

Much love for this coming week,

Lxxxxx

Have I been busy? Mmmmmm? Not any more than usual and so I have not got that excuse for not blogging.

I really did get much more done when I was getting up routinely at 06.30 for the first wee whiley on this programme. Why did I stop? I love my bed........still. All the promises made to me by older people, when I was younger, about the fact that you won't sleep so much when you're older.................How much older do I have to be? Perhaps I shouldn't grumble because from all accounts, it sucks when you can't stay asleep. I have not experienced it much but I do have recollections of tending lovingly to my houseplants in Toronto at 3am. I think that in those days it was because my shifts interfered with my sleep pattern. In Toronto, I did 2 weeks days and 2 weeks nights and my head never really got used to it. When I did a week of nights on and a week of nights off, when I first qualified as a staff nurse in 1983 (eek) it was different because I never had to work days. Switching between day shift and night shift is a killer. I bet if they did research, there would be many more mistakes done on the first Monday back on a day shift after 2 weeks nights. (Pattern was Mon, Tues on, Wed, Thurs off, Fri, Sat, Sun on, Mon, Tues off, Wed, Thurs on, Fri, Sat, Sun off-change from days to nights or vice versa-ugh!)

Not sure why I felt I needed to share that :-)

Meditation programme: Still keen and positive with this and am doing 20 mins x 2 daily. Adding to that 2 x inspirational readings (usually more) watching my thoughts and my actions (ie mindfulness) and visualisations x2 and it's all good.

This week I am repeating week 4 for the same reasons as I repeated week 2. I don't want to be stressed trying to force myself to 'keep up' with the programme and I know that I will benefit from repeating this week.

My stumbling block seems to be fitting in the visualisations. 1, I can usually manage but the evening one seems to continually be forgotten. Not sure what that means although my gut tells me that it's a refection on my difficulty in picturing everything wonderful for myself. I am getting better but it's a work in progress.

Wine drinking? Well, I seem to have stopped having any when Bill is at work which has basically almost halved the amount that I am drinking-yippee. I even astounded myself by not having any last night, when he was off. Usually, I would have got myself a glass to mask my tiredness and stay up longer with him but I decided that there was 'nout' to watch on the tv/video and I was too tired to watch a movie, so I went to bed at 10pm-stone cold sober.

Did I feel wonderfully refreshed this morning-nope.

Strange that but I am trying to put aside all expectations and just accept it as it is. Today I feel a bit sluggish and it's perhaps a reflection on the pizza I had at 8.30pm?

Am I also going to change my eating habits through this mindfulness of mine? Who knows, certainly not me but the fact that I have stocked up on salad and had 2 apples in the past week (haven't had an apple for months) is perhaps an indication of the way my thoughts are progressing.

And they are not forced thoughts. Buying the lettuce and rocket, peppers and mushrooms was something that I wanted to do at the weekend. So I did.

This morning I nipped up to Starbucks for my free latte and treated myself to a lemon poppyseed muffin which a friend informed me was the reson for the free coffees.....to encourage the muffin buyers :-) Perhaps he's right. Perhaps I felt guilty at getting something free but I was only aware of getting the muffin and coffee for less than the cost of the muffin. I usually don't treat myself because of that cost and so it was luverly.

What else?

Nothing more for today, me thinks. I love to type away but this past 15 months or so seems to have been all about reading rather than typing. Doing, after the reading and all about me. I was wondering whether the remedy Heather would be a good one for me to take just now. It's the remedy for when everything is about yourself. I am not fitting the 'criteria' exactly but it is a thought as it would help me to look outside of my own little world and also to perhaps be a better listener (which is always good for my clients)

Mmmmm.....I will ponder it some more and let you know,

Have a good one,

Lxxx

Well, I have made it to week 5 (although because I repeated week 2, I am on week 4 of the programme)
I know it's been a few days since I posted anything but that's not a reflection on how positive I am still feeling about it.
I seem to spend a fair amount of time sitting around in the car. Just now I am waiting to pick up my best pal. I had a big grin on my face and sang lots of lovely tunes on the way to pick her up. Another sign of my increasing happiness?
I did a consultation today, with a treasured client whom I hadn't "chatted" with yet, this year. I am so proud of all that she has accomplished in the time I have known her. She may be dissatisfied with her work-achievements (wrongly so) but I think that she finally feels that it's her personal/spiritual ones that she should be concerned with anyway. Building on her personal happiness will bring her more of it and I will be cheering her along as she builds.
Isn't it funny (but VERY normal) how we can find ourselves slipping back into old habits during times of stress. There is a comfort in these habits even if we know that they are not good for us. If only we could consistently trust that everything is as it should be and that we are exactly as we are instead of wishing things/we were different. I watched my intolerance, during one of my meditations and it really did pass. It was uncomfortable and I really did want to get up and running with a full blown story to justify being bugged but I didn't. And the feeling did pass. When we attach a story to an emotion or feel bad for having it at all, we will be left with that story or that feeling bad about it long after the emotion itself has passed on.
Let me give you an example:
If I have a big "explosion" at my kids, I have 2 options.
1. I accept that I have been very angry and lost it, apologise and move on.
2. I beat myself up for yelling at the kids.
The first option allows me to move forward but the second one leaves me with guilt/anger once the event is over and the initial anger is gone.
I am trying to live my life by option 1 these days. My past is littered with choosing option 2 and it has taken a long time and many Bach Flower Remedies to balance out all the retained negative emotions from events like the example above.
If you respond like I used to, it really is possible to re programme your response :-)
I tried to meditate as soon as I woke up yesterday morning and found that it didn't work very well. I think that I was just using it as an excuse to keep my eyes shut because I was very tired. Still, it was tried and will not be used again (hopefully)
Right-off to do morning meditation. Routine is not so routine now and I am proud that I can adapt it in a way that would have distressed me, not so long ago.
Simple little changes used to upset my sense of balance but I now seem able to relax into change-thank goodness :-)
Have a wonderful Tuesday,
Lxxx

On a totally different note, the house is still standing after Jens 18th on Friday (although the bathroom door needs replaced after Bill had to kick it in to release 2 tipsy teens. I never liked it) Jen enjoyed herself, mostly but was a wee bit stressed being sober and seeing what 40 teenagers get up to in your house, when under the influence. Bill, Ali and I camped out in the front room. We planned to watch a movie but we had an ongoing story outside the glass door which was too distracting. Andrew and Fraser were the upstairs police and encouraged those who wanted to be up there to make their way back down. The carpets are 'yuk' but they needed cleaned anyway so the house is getting a good old springclean. The kitchen laminate hasn't looked this clean since it was laid after I spent hours lovingly scrubbing section by section :-) Another silver lining is that Ali has decided that she never wants to have a house party-yippee.
Got to go, promised Jen that I would help with her paper round so she can get back to school for show rehearsals.
Hope your week is off to a fab start,
Lxx

I am curious as to why I do what I choose to do. I am curious as to how things will end up. I am curious about all the possibilities out there which I don't know about.

It's a really nice feeling to be curious-you should try it.

I have my wonderful friend, Lorraine Murray (author, teacher and therapist) to thank for introducing me to the concept of curious. She uses the word a lot in her teaching and also when she's leading meditation. She uses it to distract you from judgement of what you're doing/experiencing, to help you to just let it all unfold. I have pinched the word for my own teachings and meditations and embrace it fully in my daily life. Thanks Lorraine.

For those of you who are perhaps following me to see whether or not I actually manage to achieve moderation in my wine-drinking, you may be wondering why my remedies haven't magically "cured" me. I am curious about that one too but have no doubt that my Bach Flower remedies are helping me to peel away the layers of self-judgement and fear that surround my love of wine. Acceptance of myself, including my wine drinking, is much more important to me than the actual giving-up/cutting down of it and so my remedies are doing that for me, first and foremost, very successfully :-)

When you look around at some of the rock stars that have been around forever and think about the amount of alcohol and drugs they have consumed, it beggars belief that they can still be so fit and healthy. My theory about them is that they have never judged themselves for it and have never been fearful of any negative effects that it may have on them. And I think that it follows that, if I am completely happy with myself, drinking the odd bottle of wine because I love it, will do me no harm whatsoever.

And so it is back to Dr Bach keeping the remedies simple. Treat not the symptoms (wine drinking) but the personality. If you drink wine because you are angry or resentful or fearful or bored or depressed then it is those emotions that I would give you remedies for as well as Chestnut Bud which will help you to learn from your repeated mistakes (if you class your drinking wine as a repeated mistake)

I have taken lots of Chestnut Bud, over the last few months (although not this last month or so) and it has made differences in lots of areas of my life where I found myself in the same place yet again. My next mix (to be made up today) is going to have it in it again, to see what layer it peels away this time. I am also going to include Pine, which is for guilt because I have been revisiting things that I thought I had dealt with a very long time ago but which are obviously still lurking under the surface.

Guilt about not being in Scotland to notice my father get sick before it was too late to save him. Guilt that I didn't tell him he was dying and for choosing for him not to have radiotherapy. Guilt about my not being there to save the beautiful little girl I looked after in Toronto, who died whilst I was still over here, after my dad died.

So much guilt that is both irrational and unfair to myself but it has surfaced again so I will put Pine back into my bottle to let it go.

And on that note, I have to go. There's a big teen party in my home tonight and I have to bomb-proof everything !

Nah, just kidding.......about the bomb-proofing. I have ordered that it will be wonderful for them and it will. My carpets need cleaned anyway and there's not a lot that they can break :-)

Have a beautiful rest of your day,

Lxxx 

But, I suppose life is great and so I shouldn't worry that I get a bit behind on things. I sometimes wonder whether anyone reads the stuff I write in here anyway. I don't ever get comments and you would think that if anyone was reading these regularly, I would receive some kind of feedback. Or is it so bad that nobody wants me to feel bad ?

Don't worry, I am not feeling sorry for myself. Those thoughts just appeared in my head and I typed them.

I have decided to repeat week 2 of my meditation programme because I have still not read my instructions for week 3. The whole point of the programme is to learn to connect with my inner peace and to find my way so getting myself stressed whilst trying to 'catch up' with the programme seems like a silly thing to do. There are also some things on week 2 that I have been finding difficult to incorporate into my days so it makes perfect sense to repeat the week to see if it will flow more effortlessly.

Calmer? Yes definitely. Sleeping well-VERY. This getting up at 6.30 no longer feels like a holiday but it certainly is doing wonders for my sleep. I have even had 3 nights without a glass of wine which will also be helping with my quality of sleep.

It's the little changes that I am finding fascinating. Like yesterdays blog said. And Rome wasn't built in a day was it? Little changes are what make the eventual big change happen and I am paying attention to my thought processes more and more. I recognise negativity when it creeps in and I can quickly find a positive equaliser, even if it is simply my photo of Alison asleep in the laundry basket as a baby. That photo is pasted in my Daily Meditation book and is my instant source for smiles. I have also put a prayer in beside it which reads.

Lead me from Death to Life, from Falsehood to Truth. Lead me from Despair to Hope, from Fear to Trust. Lead me from Hate to Love, from War to Peace. Let Peace fill our Heart, Our World, Our Universe. Peace, Peace, Peace.

My little contribution to world peace is to find peace in my own heart. If we all were to access the power of the peace within ourselves, there would be no need for wars because we would have no fear and therefore no need to steal power from others.

On that note, I am going to finish. Today is a free day-the first in ages and I plan to do lots and lots and lots........

Lxxxx

For those of you who are reading this regularly and who know that I am doing this daily meditation routine in part, to change my relationship with alcohol, last nights words (posted a couple of minutes ago) make it sound like I am failing miserably.

Au contrere my friends. There is definitely a change in the way that I am thinking about my drinking alcohol and that is as big a step as I could have hoped for at this point. I am no longer beating myself up for having any and I have, on occassion just had the one glass-progress.

Having a few long Island Iced teas whilst out on a date with my husband seems like a perfectly acceptable thing to do-very enjoyable and more so because he was also having them (he rarely partakes-he'd rather have a tub of ice cream:-)

We stayed out chatting till the bar closed and then, of course, I had the munchies for some unhealthy food. Glasgow is just the place to find some at 1am and I chose (much to Bills disgust) a lovely little dish of chips, cheese and curry sauce. I mean, who would even think to put these things together ? Was it horrible ? Nope, I finished every last morcel-yum. It probably really helped to soak up the alcohol because I was fit as a fiddle when I got up to do my meditation at.....................9am. Long lie 'cause of the 2am bedtime.

Have done tonights meditation already as I am anticipating a very early night to catch up on my Zzzz. Plus I plan to get up sharp to do all my "routine" before my 9am client arrives.

I really do, at this point, recommend what I am doing. The smiles on my face are broader and more real, the giggles that bubble up are wonderful and there were at least a couple of "mascara-running" bouts of laughter, yesterday.

off to hang up the laundry-life still has its other routines, too.

Lxxxx

Lxx

Lxxx

My family laugh when I say that it's all because we think that we don't deserve to be the best. We get soooo close but when number 1 is up for grabs, we hesitate and don't want to make the opponent feel bad by beating them. I tell them that I am entitled to my opinion, laughable or not. I can identify with the fear of success and shining too brightly. I was bullied for it as a little person and it has taken my to middle age to almost shake off the need to hold back a bit from standing out.

This meditation is shining wee rays of light into bits of me that are still dark. I am hopefull that by its conclusion, I will be able to fully embrace my power and go for all the things that I ever dreamed off without the fear of people judging me or failing. There is no failure, only learning and the only person that is important, when it comes to judgement, is me. If it feels right for me then it is right for me.

Today was a 6.30 start again as Ali and I do her paper round together at 8ish. I managed to do meditation last night and this morning and all the boxes are ticked for the first week.

I now need to read week 2s chapter. I hope that it's not going to double the time of meditiation-eek. My feet get a bit numb as it is. I think I need to put a cushion under my bum :-)

No wine last night-did think about it as we were sitting watching a movie-it's a bit like Pavlovs response.

Movie = wine :-)

But I didn't and it really is much better to go to bed with a very clear head. That said, I'm off to watch another movie-with Jen this time.

Ok-now you see a pattern and it's perhaps all the movie-watching that has to change. If I keep myself busy doing work/reading/meditation I won't be able to drink wine 'cause I lose my focus.

Did I mention that I am reading the Bible? My friend gave me her copy of the chronilogical 365 day readings bible and I am up to date. It is very interesting and I plan to see the whole thing read by the end of 2012. It is my 'inspirational' reading of the evenings (as per med' programme)

Anyway, keep reading-there may be a whole side of me that you never knew existed at the end of this year :-)

Much love going out to all

Lxxxx

Anyway, this mornings lightbulb moment was that I function much better with routine. This meditation is a routine and it has got me out of my usual humdrum, sit-on-the-couch-for-at-least-a-half-hour-before-I-can-do-anything routine. That routine was one that was entrenched and I thought that I would never be able to break.

4 days in and it is gone-obviously it had to because it didn't fit in with my choice to meditate before the girls got up. If it had stayed, I would have had to get up at 6am to do the half hour "veg" routine before the half hour "med" routine and well, I am just not that keen to start my day that early..............yet. (Never say never :-)

It really is all about rewriting my own script, I think. Little adjustments in my life like the fact that I now put on handcream after I wash my hands are creeping in. You may think that handcream application is not something noteworthy but for someone who was lucky if she applied it at bedtime despite the fact that there is a tube at all the sinks (avons best, of course) it really is something of a huge development for me.

Mindfulness is helping me to pay attention to routines and resistences in a way that I haven't done before. It's like giving myself a running commentary on what I'm doing and that includes whilst i am typing right now. When there is a noise outside I am telling myself that there is a noise, identify it and them bring my attention back to this.

Who knows, perhaps that book of mine will finally get edited if the distractions disappear?

Well, got lots of bits and bobs to do for tonights stall at Leith Academy Community High School. It's a Diversity Day and I am not too sure of all that will be on display but feel good about the fact that I will be promoting not only myself but my very wonderful friend Lorraine. She has just been published and her book "Calm Kids" is full of helpful information on how to help children (from babies upwards) relax. Check it out on her website www.ilovefgt.com or on Amazon.

Have a fabulous day and remember to pause occasionally to pay attention.

Lxxx

Surprising thing is that I have not needed to put my head down for a 3pm nap nor have I been going to bed any earlier PLUS I don't feel more tired at all............Mmmmm.

Very strange but in a wonderful sort of way.

I have exceeded my plan of meditating only in the mornings for this first week. I am managing to do 10-20 mins in the evening as well. Last nights was interrupted a couple of times by Bill and Alison opening the door and boy did it jangle my nerves. I really had to watch my reactions closely and observe the thought processes going on. I was initially livid that they would deliberately interrupt my quiet time, which toned down to I was angry that they would forget that I was not to be disturbed, which calmed down to the realisation that they had opened and closed the door in the middle of my meditation. On discussion with them afterwards about the interruptions I was told that they had been very quiet and that I usually was able to meditate with them around me. I had to explain that I felt their quietness to be very loud because I had been in my meditation and also that I had never meditated with them around me before. What they perceived as me meditating was actually me doing Reiki self-healing and I can do that in the middle of a busy shopping mall.

So, communication is good and the family now know that when I disappear to meditate I will tell them to not disturb.

My meditation instructions told me that, if there was an interruption, you need to do an extra few minutes to recover from it. When I read that, I remember thinking "nah, it will be fine" but having experienced the jangling of my nerves from being pulled out of my quietness, I was glad to have remembered the solution to unjangling them. And it worked. I returned to my breath after each disturbance and within a few minutes I was again calm.

Thank goodness for following the rules of the book and not just jumping into this 'cause there may have been some murder or mayhem in the Denham household last night from my personalising my family not caring about me enough to leave me in peace.

And on that note, I better get going. Today is one of my "cleaning" days and I'm due "at work" in a half hour.

Have a wonderful peaceful day,

Lxxxx