completely healed or just happy in the present?

completely healed or just happy in the present?

Happy 2013 everyone and may it be a peaceful, happy year for us all.
Bill and I escaped this week, for a couple of days, leaving the girls behind to 'fend for themselves'- a first.
We didn't venture far and had indeed only made it into Edinburgh city centre (not through choice but through closed road detours) when I reached for my Rescue remedy. The traffic was horrible and despite the fact that we were in no hurry, I was getting agitated.
The Universe continues to astound me because in needing to reach for my Rescue so quickly, I discovered that I had left me handbag at home and I dissolved into a fit of giggles as I remembered Jennifers recollection, that very morning, of my leaving behind a rucksack the last time Bill and I went away for a few days.
Anyway, a quick detour back home and we ended up taking the Edinburgh bypass rather than battling with the town traffic. Who knows, perhaps we were no later in getting to our destination than if I had remembered my handbag and we'd crawled our way through town?
Bill and I don't need much to make us happy. I know that makes us very lucky people. Our first dinner was at Burger King (delicious cheeseburgers and I don't care who judges me) and our second meal was Pizza hut, which was 'to die for' and left me enough for my supper :-)
Movies on the laptop in the evenings with some vino and vodka mixers and we were happy campers.
Loch Lomond was a lovely place to stroll around, for our wee bit sightseeing and some attempted book-reading found Bill having a wee snooze pretty quickly in the afternoon. I would have joined him but had a great desire to write about a realization I had whilst my eyes attempted to close to my new book.
I am not sure where it came from except perhaps from my book which is called FEAR by the Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh.
I am not very far into it but it is about bringing your fears into your awareness and acknowledging them so that they can no longer have hold of you.
My realization was not a fear but perhaps came from holding on to the past which perhaps relates to my own fear of being alone.
I have been in a relationship of some sort pretty much constantly from the age of 17, always looking for the other person to make me happy. Of course, this didn't happen because it is not possible for someone else to keep you happy but it has taken me 5 decades to remember this fact. I was always so afraid of being seen as unattractive or unloveable that I convinced men that I was the perfect partner by pretending to be who they thought they wanted. I may have written about this before but it obviously needs written again and I think that part of my revelation today is linked in with my need to find someone who would look after me in the way I wished my father had been able to look after my mother.
I have no doubt that they loved each other but do wonder how they coped with the long years of not being 'in love' or even liking each other.
Mum was devastated from dad's death but she found herself again for a few years, till ill-health turned her into a needy childlike woman who (I am ashamed to say) I had little desire to spend time with.
Fear turned her into that person. Everything seemed huge and daunting to her and I was too close to be able to be of the kind of help that I always am to those who visit me as a therapist.
This has been a rather long-winding road to get you to my newest 'lightbulb' moment which may seem totally unrelated to anything that I have just written. But it has huge significance for me and in a way that I haven't even begun to analyse.
This New Years day.....January 1st 2013 came and went with no thought of my father or of his death on Jan 1st 1990. 22 years of it being on my mind, in various degrees of painfulness and this year.........NOTHING.
It's certainly a WOW moment and a place I didn't know was possible but I know that it is proof of healing at it's deepest level within me.
I no longer need to hold on to the pain linked to my fathers death or to any emotional longing for him to be here with me.
My happiness is up to me and I am choosing it over holding on to the past or worrying about the future.
I had a wonderful New Years day. Fully in the present and mindful and thankful for all that surrounded me. Steak Pie with family. Gin and tonic and good t.v. Skype-ing with Andrew and good health to enjoy it all.
Gratitude is my 2013 buzz word and I plan to use it continually and to shout about it to one and all.
Thank You for the thumbs I have used to type this on the Blackberry which I am always thankful for :-)
Happy New Year,


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