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Well, here we are in May and my back garden is full of Apple Blossom and Lilac. The added bonus is that the Magnolia tree still has blossoms on it despite its flowering in March.
As Spring has sprung, my awareness has increased in regards to the greenery surrounding me. I see importance in the buds that I never noticed before. They truly signify the never-ending cycle of life and as I move forward I am increasingly unafraid of what comes next.
My meditation programme is still not complete. I am into week 12 and have yet to begin 'week 6-the final week'
Is there a resistance ? Probably. Am I worried ? Nope.
I read something this morning about meditation which really summed up my attitude about it and I felt rewarded for my patience with myself.
I won't quote-'cause I can't be bothered getting off my chair to get the book (called Headspace) but I will give my take on the words.
In meditation, the goal and the journey are the same thing so if you only focus on reaching a goal, you will miss the wonderful journey which is the goal !
It's as though you would make your life like a road trip with all the windows blacked out so that you didn't enjoy the scenery as you went along.
I think that life is meant to be peaceful, even at times of seemingly great pressure. Meditation, for me, has become about helping myself to be aware of my emotional responses and to be able to see that they are exactly that-responses.
My son goes off, in 2 days, to live in Toronto. He is not quite 20 years old and he will always be my wee boy.
The last time he left, to spend a year there (2010) he was going for a year. This time it's for good (if everything works out)
We had a wee family get-together for him this past Sunday, so folks could say goodbye. Whilst preparing the veg for the dips, a song played that I have listened to unemotionally for years.
The words 'what will I do with my heart' make my eyes fill up even as I type this and on Sunday the tears streamed down my face from nowhere. It's like the Grinch said in the movie. I was 'Leaking' and it was unexpected. Typing the words to a friend, yesterday found me repeating the 'leakage' and I just went with the sobs that followed.
Surprisingly for me, it appears that I am sad about my son's departure. Or rather, I experience intense waves of sadness when those specific words are in my thoughts.
For those of you who don't know me, the birth of my son was a pivotal moment in my life. He course corrected me, leading me back to who I am from whom I had become. Motherhood, for me, has been a wonderful but sometimes painful journey towards embracing all that I am (and we're talking warts and all ) I would never change my experience of life because it has allowed me to see my world from lots of different angles and through many lenses.
My perception, as with anyones, has been shaped by my upbringing and my emotional reactions to situations and events. My fear of conflict has been especially influential, as has my low self-worth, in how I have reacted to my perceived challenges throughout my life. Now, as I spend time in quietness, it is not always peaceful but I know that it is always beneficial.
With all of my other self-help tools, I am glad that it has taken me this long to invite meditation into my life. If I had attempted it any earlier I would have demanded more from myself and it.
Today I am willing to simply be curious and accepting of my emotions and to let my heart feel like it is breaking when I understand that my sons smile will not be greeting me each day. I know that the sadness will pass, as all emotions do if you let them be.
Hot on his heels will be his sister who heads to Saskatchewan for a year, this July. My sadness for her going will no doubt hit me in the same way as my tears did last weekend. And I will embrace it in the knowing that it will pass because there is always blue sky above any emotional clouds.
Much love,
Lxx