Feeling Blah, which is not like me.
I am having a bit of a Blah week and it's not like me so I thought that I would write about it and see what comes up. I Blog daily about my adventures, here in Toronto but I continually have to be aware of what I'm sharing in it, as my experiences often involve other people who may not enjoy the fact that I am sharing their stuff on Facebook.
I also wonder, at times like this, if anyone is actually interested in hearing about the mundane activities of my daily life. Surely folk are too busy to be bothered whether or not my wifi is broken yet again or if the washing machine got fixed?
But I keep writing because that is where I feel I am meant to be, at present.
It's as though the Universe has pulled me out of my very comfortable Edinburgh life and plonked me into a space and time where I haven't the slightest clue on what I am meant to be doing. I have a multitude of ideas, swimming around in my mind but am at a loss as to how to narrow it all down to a starting point.
This past weekend I put myself onto Wild Oat (for feeling like you need direction) and Scleranthus (for indecision) but I have gone from feeling indecisive to feeling Blah, Blah and more Blah.
I know that the remedies work gently to remove imbalance and that the rest of my mix is probably stirring something inside me to take action but I feel like my Ego is rebelling and causing me to feel like 'shutting-shop' altogether. I have a knot in my solar plexus that even put me off having a glass of wine last night.......and that is so not me.
I meditate daily, for around forty minutes and have been using the same 'AH' manifestation meditation since before Christmas. I additionally 'switch-on' my Reiki at the beginning, ask the Angels to gather round and then focus on what it is that I wish to manifest, for twenty minutes. The latter part of my meditation I spend sending out healing to my nearest and dearest and then outwards till it's sent to all living things.
Up till this week, this felt like a great daily routine but perhaps I have to now change to another type of meditation despite the fact that my manifestation is yet to appear.
I understand that, to manifest, you have to believe in the power of thought and that you create your own life and for the most part I am so on board with that.
Today I am just feeling Blah. Yesterday I was feeling Blah. Monday I was feeling great till I had a skype session with my Hubbie which turned into a tense debate about finances and there is where I closed myself off from my connection with the Universal love that I can usually tap into. Aha.
Isn't it amazing, how writing it down can really help you get to where it started. Money. I detest the stuff and yet it is a very necessary part of life. I am so blessed in so many ways but the minute that the subject of money comes up, I want to run away.
It's probably still got something to do with my self-worth but it is really tiresome and it's the main thing that disrupts the very healthy relationship I have with my husband. He worries about money and I don't. I probably don't worry because, in my reality, there will always be enough. Maybe that's because I have him there, to pay for everything but I don't think that the reason for my belief is important. What is important is that it is my belief and my reality. If I could just get him to try some of the 'belief' stuff, he would feel so much happier.
Ah, how many of you reading this know this scenario? Loads, I bet.
But a person cannot be helped unless they decide that they want to help themself-I know this and yet it is frustrating. Obviously, I am still needing some help in stepping back and also in how to integrate the financial side of things comfortably into my life. Taking responsibility and becoming financially independent is blocked by my inability to 'put myself out there' to make connections with those who would help me to manifest it. My husband can see all my gifts and ideas and he wonders why it is that I am not doing anything with them, at present. If I put myself out there and did all that I can do, our finances would not be such an issue.
Grr and moan and sigh.......and sigh again.
We all have times when things feel difficult and we wonder what the heck we ever 'woke-up' for. Being 'asleep' really was much easier in some ways, when you didn't know that it was you who was causing your own angst.
But, I am awake and I am merely having one of those 'days of doubt' and I know that it will pass. That's the greatest thing about being awake. You know, that if you just allow it to be felt and experienced and greeted like an old uncle who you didn't particularly like but had to be nice to anyhow, it will leave......as always.
As 'Healers' we can all put immense pressure on ourselves to constantly walk our talk but we are human and we will slip occassionally and that's okay. Accepting our slip, in Trust or Faith or whatever, allows us to return to it without feeling guilty for having the slip.
This Wednesday, January 21st 2015, I am having a 'slip' and doubting much of what I know that I know. And that's perfectly okay.
I will continue with my Bach Remedies and see where they lead me. I have been taking Mustard today (for gloomy feeling with no reason) because the Gentian (for feeling despondent with reason) didn't work yesterday, to shift the Blah.
Reading over these words, I suspect I may need Larch again (for feeling I can't put myself out there in case I fail) and Pine (for feeling guilty for not pulling-my-weight)
Perhaps I will let you know in some future blog, how this all goes, but perhaps I will not.
Much Love,
Lxx
Posted on Wed, January 21, 2015
by Linsey Denham