Happy in grief-I don't think so!!

Happy in grief-I don't think so!!

I missed this past Wednesday because my head and heart were a bit distracted due to the funeral of an extremely wonderful friend. She first came to me as a client, a couple of years ago and on our very first meeting she was already wondering how she could be of help to me! That's who she was-a dynamic individual who always wanted to encourage others to be all that they could be and who was just the person to help you to do it. She and I spent lots of time (our 1 hr sessions often extended to nearer 2) discussing books and quotes and beliefs and she was always ready to listen to anything that I put forward, that may have been new to her. She didn't always agree with me but she was never dismissive. At those times I'd usually just get a thoughtful "Mmm" from her! I have a passage from "The Secret" taped to my desk, which was the first thing she gave me as her way of encouragement. I also have books here, which she leant me for myself and for my son (to help him find a career path) which I now will return to her family, when the time feels right. There probably is never a right time for returning property to a loving family who have lost a huge part of their lives. I feel that she would like me to have contact with her family-I even dreamt about them a couple of nights ago. Sometimes though, it feels easier to avoid putting yourself out there, doesn't it! I don't actually know them and they don't know me, so Why don't I just pop the books in an envelope?

Well, I'm trying to just go with my intuition, these days-even when it feels uncomfortable. It's my doubts about myself which get in the way of doing all that I know I want to do. The fear of rejection, feeling silly and embarrassed or the worry of upsetting someone can all get in the way of doing things we wish to do. But the regret you feel for not doing it is worse, ultimately! My friend put herself "out there" all the time-right to the end and perhaps that was her gift to me-to help me not be so scared of life. To live it to the full, whilst I'm able. Hopefully I will honour that gift.

I was at a workshop last weekend which has helped me to try to look at the feelings coming in and their origin. I'm trying to notice my thoughts for what they are-thoughts! They are not reality-just my filtered view of what is going on and it's one that's not necessarily correct. I am trying to take notice of the fact that even my emotions are thoughts and to observe them and not get too caught up in them. Interestingly, the teacher informed us that the reason we find ourselves unhappy is because we think that there is something wrong. If we could accept that all is well and as it should be, we would all be contented with what we presently have at this exact moment.

Having just written that and previously about bereavement, I am aware that it seems impossible that you could feel happy when someone you love has died. Surely that would mean that you didn't actually love them at all, would it not? You must be allowed to think that there is something greatly wrong in your life when a loved one has disappeared from it mustn't you?

On an emotional level, being someone who still feels the rawness of my mothers absence some days, I can't imagine it being possible or a good thing, being able to be happy when someone you love dies.

However, if I remember what was said last weekend correctly, we can still remain balanced and content during any event that crops up in our lives, if we are truly at peace within ourselves. Realising that we place our happiness outwith ourselves-with other people, our jobs, money and security-our happiness is then dependant on those things being good. On those things being present in our lives.

I believe that the emotion of a bereavement is proven and that it is going to hit us, whether we are totally balanced and happy with ourselves or not.

Perhaps what we can do, though is to try not to let the emotion consume us in our daily lives? Perhaps the secret is to observe the stages of grief as they engulf us (and they do) and to accept that battling against it will only give it the power to get stronger. Maybe we could be kind to ourselves and allow the grief time and space to wash over us, taking the stage we're at along with it when it departs, thereby allowing us to move forward and not become stuck in any one stage of our grief?

Being emotional is human and if there's one thing that we can all agree on, it is that we are indeed human!

Let's be all that we can be as humans, this week and reach out a hand to help someone who may be stuck in the depths of their emotions. Whether with a kind word, a thoughtful card or a caring smile-let someone know that you care. (And that someone could be you!)

Signing off now because I promised myself an early night and have already overshot it by 45 mins-ah well!


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