Hiding how we feel!

Hiding how we feel!

Happy Wednesday,

This will just be a wee blog as it's late and I've got very important things to do-like spending some time with the big boy before his departure next Thursday. I'm feeling slightly easier about his going as he now has a place to stay organised. It's only a few streets from where a good friend lives and she's kindly checked it out and paid the deposit. It's in the area that I used to live and so I know that he'll adapt to life there easily, as I did. It hardly seems like 25 years since I left my parents behind and flew off for my year which turned into seven. I wonder if he'll go one better and just choose to stay in Canada? Our long-term plan has always involved returning there to live, anyway so it would be good if he was already settled there.

This last couple of weeks have seen me resist my need for the remedy Agrimony, which is for those who hide how they're really feeling behind a smiley face. I keep telling people that I'm fine about Andrew leaving and I know that the Chicory has done it's job in letting me step-back from trying to do everything for him and prevented me from having expectations of him spending time with me before he goes. I have had a niggly feeling that I am hiding how I feel even from me! The resistance to taking Agrimony comes from my being unsure that I can handle not feeling okay. A fear that if I admit that I'm not fine with him going, that I'll spend the next 8 days in tears! Not that Agrimony reduces you to tears but it will allow me to show my sadness, which I suspect might be lurking under my happiness for him.

So, this afternoon I added Agrimony to my mix and as I sat and told one of my friends all about what was going on with my life and my feelings, I suddenly remembered that I had added it. I realised that the things that I had told her had been kept to myself for a long time and I had never known how to talk about them before! WOW! That worked pretty quickly and I feel a lot lighter at having shared with someone, rather than keeping it all in.

Perhaps the next 8 days won't be so bad, after all and perhaps it's better to cry those real tears rather than wave goodbye bravely biting my lip wearing my false smile! Andrew has always clocked me for my false smile-he sees that my eyes don't match. I'd never get away with pretending I was fine when he looks into my eyes after he retrieves his head from being kissed, as he's done a thousand times.

That's what I shall miss the most about him-his offering of his head instead of his cheek to be kissed, rather than kissing me and my being able to run my fingers through his hair as he did! 

I have a little book which I also give to people who have had a baby. It's called "Love You Forever" and it's about a mothers love for her son. I've never been able to read it all the way through without tears in my eyes despite trying for 18 years! In fact, I read it before I even had a child-powerful stuff.

Perhaps my next book will have to be on Mother/son relationships?

Anyway-have to go tuck Ali in. Big boy still not home-as it should be!

Have a fabulous week,


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