Huff or take Holly......mmmmmm?

Huff or take Holly......mmmmmm?

  I wish that I could say Happy Friday but, as I type this I am feeling less than happy. I know that I could go and take some Holly and let my anger and feelings of persecution go but, for now, I will just 'feel' the anger. It's not real. It's just an emotion that feels very real and very strong at this precise moment. As usual, I am most angry at myself, for feeling anger in the first place. 'Debate' has never been a strength of mine. I raise my voice and feel intimidated, if someone cannot see my point of view or disagrees with me. I personalise it and make it about me rather than understanding that it is the situation that there is a problem with and not me. First of all today, tho' (I can see this on reflection.....as I slowly cool down to a simmer from boiling over) my first response was to feel guilty and responsible for something that I had absolutely nothing to do with. But rather than let the person feel their guilt all to themselves, I owned it and then felt like I was being blamed for something that I didn't do which then turned to feeling defensive and subsequently to anger at them and myself. The button being pressed was that I SHOULD have prevented the situation happening at all........oh dear and we are back to good old Pine again...ugh. Holly and Pine-a lovely combination for not beating yourself black and blue. I have been struggling with delayed jetlag since getting home from Toronto last week. It was a fabulous spur-of-the-moment visit, to see Andrews team win their Rugby league for the first time in 34 years but I went immediately back into lots of postponed work and teaching and all of a sudden on Tues, I felt like I would get sick if I didn't do something about my energy reserves. So, I have been working on that rather than on the fact that I have been personalising things all week......... doesn't everything seem worse when we're tired anyway. Groan. It's been a long while since I have felt so 'open' to allowing myself to 'lose-the-plot' Or to waste precious time sulking. I usually can remind myself that it's not worth it and that it's all in my head but sometimes the 'smart' part of my brain shuts down in favour of the 'old habits die hard' piece. I began teaching a couple of mindfulness classes this week and this story will make them smile when I tell them that the mindfulness tutor was VERY prepared to let her irrational thoughts take over for a while. Anger truly only harms the person feeling it. Yes, it can scare or upset those around you, for a while but the anger, if left to 'fester' will be toxic and make us unwell from the inside. My problem is that I feel guilty after I get angry. So, let me state that again for myself to read. I got angry because I felt guilty and I felt guilty 'cause I got angry............Mmm. Mindfulness is awareness of what's going on in the present moment and now I find that the tears have started and what is that all about? I am 'chatting' with Ali' via text and telling her that I am in hiding and that dad is likely mad at me and that was me........'eyes-a-dripping' but they have dried up fast. Probably because I am not really giving them much thought and the anger is very diminished and I am beginning to think more rationally about how much time I want to 'waste' tonight and weighing it up against apologising. Did I do anything to apologise for? Mmm? I got defensive and prickly......do I have to apologise for that? I will go and take some Holly and see what happens next. Maybe you will find out but more than likely you won't because my blogging has been very infrequent of late. Perhaps I should have a 'huff' more often-tee hee. Have a wonderful weekend folks.

Much love, Lxxx

 

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