I'm feeling a bit "blah"!!

I'm feeling a bit "blah"!!

Happy Wednesday,

I've got a few minutes before the laundry needs hung up and it was a toss-up between writing this or doing some hoovering? No competition, really!

I'm having a bit of a "blah" few days and have taken a little bit of Hornbeam to see if it will put some spark back into my daily chores. Actually, it needs to put spark back into everything 'cause it's all seeming to have no pull just now.

How bizarre, I'm thinking, when I love what I do and nothing has changed in that dept. Perhaps a serious rejig of remedies is needed although I'm wondering if this is the calm before the storm in the work department.

I have been using Wild Oat to try to help me to find which direction I'm supposed to be going in. I am dabbling in such a variety of slices of pie and I know that I need to find my signature flavour and embrace the whole pie!

I sense that there is some resistance to my admitting to myself what this flavour is and perhaps by doing nothing at all I don't have to make a big decision?

I've just finished reading Anthony De Mellos "Awareness" and I find myself more and more drawn to becoming invisible. I don't mean that I want to run away and hide although some days that has a huge attraction. I mean that I'm reaching a stage in my life where I think that I want to do things that I want to do without having to tell anyone about them in the hopes of them acknowledging that I did a good job or liking me for it.

We get so caught up in needing to be seen to be worthwhile and hoping that people will like us that we miss the point. The point is to be happy in ourselves, with ourselves despite what anyone else thinks of us. If you judge me to be a bit strange, then that's up to you. I'm perfect the way I am and as long as I think that it's not important for you to think I'm perfect.

That was where I have come from-that need to be seen to be perfect. I have sometimes been tortured inside, trying to maintain a facade of perfection in the hope that other people's admiration would make me happy. And it did for an instant but it was never going to last. Until I allow myself to be seen as I truly am I shall always be placing my happiness in the hands of others.

My kids and hubbie tell me that I don't need make-up. They're not being kind to me-they simply see me first thing in the morning and still love me despite the way I look. They love the "me" underneath the make-up so it doesn't matter to them whether or not I slap it on.

Admittedly, I think that I look better with make-up on and I wear it for that reason. A lick of lipstick and my face completely seems to transform but the "me" underneath is just the same and if I'm feeling worthless inside, no amount of face-painting will change that!

Often the women we meet who are the most immaculately presented are the ones who need the biggest hug but who don't think that they are allowed to ask you for one.

Not always, but in my experience of being in the depths of despair I became more and more presentable on the outside to hide the inner turmoil I was feeling from the world. I didn't think that I was allowed to feel that way and felt guilty that I was failing at what everyone else seemed to take in their stride-LIFE!

I'm trying to observe myself more-watch, if you like. Taking myself and my surroundings less seriously is not always easy. I have a short-fuse (thank the universe again for my remedies) and my need for quiet is huge. I am still putting the radio on in the morning and doing a little singing but I am still yelping "turn that down" when a tune doesn't agree with my wavelength or the family have cranked up the volume. I guess that some things might never change??

Anyway, I'm off to hang the laundry and hope that the Hornbeam I've taken today will take the "humdrum" out of doing so! (it's always worked in the past for the mundane deja vu.)

Wishing you all a wonderful week with lovely chocolate for all at Easter!

My "Big Boy" is going on a survival course this weekend-his first step towards heading to North America this summer and I'll miss him running around the house with the girls trying to find the easter eggs I've hidden! You're never too big to want to find as much chocolate as possible, eh!!??

Happy Easter!

Lxxx

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