My Blog-title from a fortnight ago wasn't even close to the mark, as I've found myself hiding away from the world in general and my friends in particular, this past couple of weeks. Unlike the "old me" though (who would have been angry and impatient with myself and felt guilty for not being a better "whatever") I've just been cutting myself lots of slack and observing what's been going on within me. Not that I've made too much sense of it except to say that I think that there's a big resistance to a major change that I'm refusing to acknowledge. I suspect that the change may involve withdrawing from a lot of what I'm doing and spending a lot more time on my own, writing. It feels like it did when I was about to give up nursing. I had been a nurse for more than half of my life and it was all that I thought that I was. My identity was tied to the label "nurse" and the fear of letting that identity disappear was massive. This fear that is within me, at present, feels like that and although I don't know what the decision is that I've got to make-I have no doubt that it is there and will take great courage for me to embrace it!
I was describing how I've been feeling to a couple of friends and it's as though I'm in a black starless galaxy, searching for something-but I don't know for what! It's like I can't see the forest for the trees and I have only an inkling of what I may discover. I'm also pretty "empty" and need recharging. I always retreat when I feel that I have nothing to offer. I am, as yet, unable to follow my own advice of surrounding myself with people who care and having a good cry!
Water Violet is the remedy for those who are proud and aloof and who find it difficult to share how they feel with others. Often I have taken this remedy when I become the tortoise, retreating into my shell and this time is no exception. It applies to me when I am unable to hide how I'm feeling from the world and am unwilling to show my negative emotions to all who would see me. I should perhaps stick with this remedy for a while as it would be nice to feel comfortable exposing my raw emotion to those who care about me.
Another remedy I am taking is Star of Bethlehem which is for shock to your system and is the "soother of sorrows." As my birthday approaches, I am aware that it will be the first without my mum and it surprises me to feel the emotion that accompanies that thought. It's not one of the occassions that I imagined I'd feel upset at experiencing without her and yet it's more painful than Christmas was!
"And I think of my mother and remember that whatever else is true of our relationship with our mothers, they have been the very ground of our physical existence and so their passing must send a tremor through the emotional earth upon which we stand, must leave us bereft in some fundamental way even when we can anticipate and accept the inevitability of the loss."
The above is a quote which reduced me to tears earlier today. It is such a powerful description of the mother/child bond and, in my fragile state, it sunk deep into my soul.
Biting through a beautiful burger which my hubbie had lovingly barbequed for me at dinner-time, he saw me flinch and thought that there was something wrong with his creation. As I looked up at him he realised that there was nothing wrong with his cooking but that the song playing in the background had reduced me to tears mid-bite. The song was the one sung by Celine Dion, which I wrote out in a previous blog and it evokes a knee-jerk response from me every single time I hear it whether I know of its impending arrival or not. I have no defense against the emotion it brings forth and I am constantly surprised by my lack of control in it's presence. How does that work?
A note about needing Star of Bethlehem reads "You don't want old, painful wounds to hurt again, so you quickly shut yourself off in advance when you feel they might be touched"
That is So me!!! And so I am taking the "Soother of Sorrows"!
Knowing that this will all pass helps immensely. It's a certainty that I will not feel exactly the same way that I feel now for very long and that brings me great volumes of comfort. I am a sensitive soul and become "clogged" regularly if I don't look after myself. These days I'm easily repaired with some quiet time and TLC from my hubbie. I will bounce back again with a bit more knowledge of how to avoid the situation for a bit longer and eventually completely.
It's still too easy for me to look after everyone else and not give myself the time of day and I suspect that the Chestnut Bud (for repeated mistakes) may have a place in my future.
But for now, the future's bright even if there is a bit of a mist around me at this precise moment. I am grateful for all that I have and for those who surround me with their caring. I look forward to discovering the lesson that this present mist is teaching me and to passing it on to others.
Sending out loads of love to all those who read this (and more)
Lxxx
Posted on Wed, April 14, 2010
by Linsey Denham