Happy Monday. I just had an overwhelming experience of emotion and knew that I had to share it, just in case it might help one person. To set the back-drop, my eldest daughter has been struggling to overcome homesickness in her new life in Canada. We have been trying to work through it, with the help of the remedies but my first mistake was that I didn't send her with a box of all 38.
My lesson, during Andrews first few months in Canada, was that I didn't send him with enough variations of mixes (plus I forgot to send him with Honeysuckle for homesickness-oops) I thought that I had all of Jens 'usual suspects' (and the honeysuckle) covered, when I left her in Saskatoon 6 weeks ago but there were more lessons to be learned, as a practitioner and as a mother. In her time there, I have mailed a remedy-mix and also sent a box of 10 different remedies, to try to help her get a handle on her feelings. Despite this, because her mood is changing so fast that she (never mind me) can't keep up with it, she is moving on to stay with her cousins in Vancouver for a while, where she will decide whether to get a job for a few months or to come home.
My emotions, during her turmoil, have been unaffected. Seriously. She was feeling guilty for disappointing me and for always letting me see her upset so Pine (for feeling guilty and responsible for things that you shouldn't) was one of the 10 remedies I sent to her, to stop the "sorrys." I kept telling her to not worry about worrying me because it was all good inside my head and this was not me just being kind-it was true.
So, imagine my surprise this morning, when I dissolved into a big bunch of sobs. "What's this all about" was short-lived because I quickly realised that it was about my sense of failing her. If I had better-prepared her OR if I had got the remedies right OR if I had done a better job of parenting OR if I had had a chat with her employers about how best to handle her OR if I had skyped less (or more) with her OR if I hadn't encouraged her to try it OR.............well, the list is endless but the sobs will end.
And so I have turned to the remedy Pine because there is nothing that I can do to change what she has just lived through. There is absolutely no point in my feeling guilty about what I could have done differently in her life or in the past 6 weeks and so I have to let it go and move forward with the lessons tucked into my heart and soul to perhaps bring out when Alison leaves home.
I am a good person, deserving of good things. I have done things, in my life, that I would not repeat but that I cannot change. I have used Pine extensively in my early Bach years, to help my self esteem/worth and to let go of all that I felt guilty of. It is a wonderful remedy to help you to move forward, knowing that you did what you had to do, at the time and that you can choose to learn from it but not to continually punish yourself for it. Because of all my usage of it, I reckon that the couple of doses I have had, this morning, are already helping me let go of the tsunami that hit me an hour ago. By the end of today (or tomorrow) I will again feel that I did what I was meant to do and move forward with Jen.
Irrational thoughts can take over in a split second, if the emotion triggered isn't fully balanced and often it is because the situation is mirroring a past situations emotions. This came into play last week for me and I will quickly mention my need, use and gratitude for the remedy Red Chestnut.
I am not a parent who constantly worries about the wellbeing of my kids. I think that it comes from my faith and beliefs (and perhaps from being a paediatric nurse) but occassionally I have needed to use Red Chestnut which is the remedy for 'overconcern for others' and last week was one of those times. Alison was complaining of a headache behind her eye which was worse when she moved her head round to the side or when she looked up. Instantly I thought of my dads brain tumour and made an appointment at the optician rationalising that she hadn't had her eyes checked for a couple of years whilst feeling the underlying anxiety. This anxiety was compounded when the optician told me that her eyes were fine and that she would send a note to the GP and to make an appointment for Alison in a couple of days time. She then got Ali' to do a peripheral eye exam which further sent me down the anxiety spiral as I listened to her answer 'not sure' on too many occassions-EEEEEK. However, as we walked to the car she said that she could't see properly because of the way the machine was and that she was guessing most of the time....Mmmmmmmmm. So, by the time I got home I was already having her in Sick kids, having her op' and I confessed to Bill that it was like deja vu and I needed to get it in check. A few doses of Red Chestnut and I was forgetting to worry and have not thought about it all weekend....till now and with these thoughts, I think that I will go mix the Red Chestnut and Pine because the Drs appointment is tonight despite the fact that I haven't heard a complaint from her since the opticians.
So, That's my story for today. One that I felt compelled to share. No point in talking the talk to people about sharing your angst, if I'm not prepared to walk the talk. These were just a couple of examples of how an emotion can hit us with full-force from out of the blue, often linking us with past feelings from events long-gone but sometimes not emotionally forgotten.
For my girls:
Alison-I seriously don't think that you have a brain tumour. Your grandad didn't even have a headache :-)
Jen-you have not made me feel like a failure. I did that all by myself and am dealing with it :-)
.............and Andrew-'cause you usually read this. I am ever the 'fruitcake' mum.
Love you all, Mxx
and that wraps it up for today folks.
Have a wonderful day
Lxx
Posted on Mon, August 27, 2012
by Linsey Denham