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I woke up this morning thinking about my mum and gradually, as I became more awake (during my cup of coffee) I knew that I had to put some words down about this coming Sunday and its connetations for many people that I know (including myself) who will be spending their first Mothers Day without their mother! My thoughts were a recollection of my mum discovering Ski yoghurt, when it first became popular when I was a kid! Mum was trying to lose weight (she was never very big but I guess she felt she was beginning her middle-age spread) and she had been "reliably" informed that yoghurt would help her in her weight loss battle! After a couple of weeks she was grumbling about the fact that she hadn't lost weight and "So much for the Ski!" when the amount of calories and fat that was in one little pot was brought to her attention-and she was eating about 6 a day!!!!!!!!!!! (I could be wrong about that exact number-I just recall it being loads!) Now remember that there wasn't any low-fat or non-fat yoghurt in those days-it was all thick and creamy and eating 6 a day was never going to help you to lose weight (especially when you're still also eating real food!)

The 2 things that stick in my mind from that story are:

1. My mum could have got really annoyed with the whole issue and stomped around the place but she didn't. She burst out laughing like the rest of us at how silly it was and realised that she had spent a fortune helping herself gain weight!

2. Us 3 kids discovered that we loved yoghurt-even me, who wouldn't touch slimy dessert stuff usually! That, did annoy mum slightly because we would keep asking for her yoghurts and hounded her to buy them for us even when she had given them up as a means to lose weight!

I was ending my recollection when I glanced over at my middle child, who was sitting down with her breakfast. Have you guessed? She was about to start on her 2 Ski yoghurts.

So you can imagine how close mum felt to me this morning and as I got myself organised for the day, it seemed important to share a happy memory of her with you!

As mothering Sunday approaches, I know that lots of people will find themselves conflicted for many different reasons.

For those of you who's mum is still around, it may be a conflict between wanting to spend the day with your own children and knowing that you should visit your mum? That one came into play in my past, on several occassions.

Perhaps you live a long way from your mum and will have to make do with a phonecall to her or perhaps your children cannot be with you and you're hoping for a phonecall and perhaps a card from them?

Perhaps you and your mother or you and your child/children have fallen out and no longer keep contact? I did have this experience for a few weeks with my own mother many years ago and it's not a happy place to find yourself. Although I didn't miss a mothers day, I did miss my fathers birthday in my refusal to visit the family home and see my mother! Looking back, it all seems like wasted time and it all came down to stubborness and my need to be right! If you find yourself in this place, at present, think carefully about the reasons for your rift and whether or not it really is necessary for you to be seen as the "wronged" party!

For those of you, like me, who find themselves approaching their first "motherless" Mothers Day-don't be scared! Don't be angry! Don't be sad! Unless that is how you feel! Don't be anything just because you think you should be. Feel what you feel and accept the feelings you have this weekend. There is no rule book although most would tell you that it is harder to face the special occassions during the first year after a bereavement. I'm not so sure! There tends to be a lot of support for you during the first year of "firsts" but others get on with their lives and it's easy for you to find that on subsequent years, nobody remembers the exact date of your mothers passing or that it would have been her birthday. The rawness may still be unbearable for you but how can you tell people?

I suppose I'm thinking of the last 20 years without my dad! Granted that he did die on New Years Day and so that kinda stuck in some peoples minds but his birthday and Fathers Day went by without others knowing my grief, on those days. I actually hid from it myself quite successfully whilst living in Canada and it wasn't really till Andrew came along and I found myself a parent that I truly began to grieve my fathers loss!

I've strayed a bit-I was going to keep this upbeat but it's the way it is.

I think that I wanted to share with you what I'm doing to help myself through this Sunday!

I'm listening to songs which have words which make me cry for my mum. I'm thinking happy thoughts 'cause that's what has come up and I'm going to buy myself a huge bunch of flowers and place them where I can enjoy them and know that she'll be happy for my enjoyment. (She loved to buy me flowers-it was my reward for taking her shopping and for any other excuse she could think of!)

The following words sung by Celine Dion say it all for me! I didn't link them to her till after mum left but each time I hear this song I realise that it's applicable whether I wanted it to be or not!

For all the times you stood by me, For all the truth that you made me see,

For all the joy you brought to my life, For all the wrong that you made right,

For every dream you made come true, For all the love I found in you,

I'll be forever thankful, You're the one who held me up-Never let me fall,

You're the one who saw me through it all

You were my strength when I was weak, You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see, You saw the best there was in me,

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach, You gave me faith 'cause you believed,

I'm everything I am because you loved me.

You gave me wings and made me fly, You touched my hand I could touch the sky,

I lost my faith, you gave it back to me, You said no star was out of reach,

You stood by me and I stood tall, I had your love, I had it all

I'm grateful for each day you gave me, Maybe I don't know that much but I know this much is true

I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were always there for me, The tender wind that carried me

A light in the dark shining your love into my life, You've been my inspiration

Through the lies you were the truth, My world is a better place because of you

I missed a couple of chorus-but you get the drift! I am who I am because of my mum. Good or bad, she raised me the best she could and loved me as much as she could.

There is no such thing as a perfect mum. Only a mum who does the best she can with what she has been given in this life to use!

I'm trying to live by that one now and not to beat myself up for being less than the idea of a perfect mum 'cause that's all it is-an idea!

Have a peaceful weekend (and remember to put your clocks forward)

Lxxx