Sitting here, listening to songs from Les Miserables with lines such as
"...Then I was young and unafraid.....dreams were made and used and wasted.....no song unsung, no wine untasted"
changing to
"but there are dreams that cannot be and there are storms we cannot weather. I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living...........now life has killed the dreams I dreamed"
makes me think of some of the bleak hours I've faced during my 16 years of parenthood and how we have no idea, when we're young, how things will be in our future.
To put this into perspective: I really am not living a "hell" but I have had times when this song did make me sob because it felt so real. I have a wonderful husband (yes, I seriously mean that) and 3 fantastic healthy kids who I would not swap for the world. But, if I had to go back, I would still be that woman who did not want any children. After 2 years of being a nanny to 4 youngsters, I "got" the whole responsibility thing and wanted none of it.
It just is a really difficult job, being a good parent. And the word "good" means something different for everyone. The thing is-there's no handbook!! Yes, people have written books about parenthood but really, let's face it-we're on our own. We do the best that we can do with the knowledge we have and there is no such thing as the perfect parent. We will do it differently from our parents because we all have issues which we blame them for. Our kids will have a whole set of different issues to blame us for and that's the truth of it. There's a phrase that is regularly said, in my house and it is this:
"I'm not your friend, I'm your mother and you're going to dislike me sometimes and I'll have to cope with that!"
I believe that we have to show kids boundaries and they are not always going to like what we say. It's horrible when they don't like us or when we feel like the worst parents on the planet-guilt-ridden despite logically knowing that they deserved that row we gave them! (Centaury will help you to say "No" and to stand strong in your decisions and Pine will help you to let go of the guilt over things that you shouldn't feel guilty about)
Each stage has it's challenges and I'm just up to a 16 yr old but I do have friends with grown-up kids.
During the early "physically" demanding years there's a huge amount of tiredness which leads to all sorts of other emotions surfacing. Below are just some of the remedies which can help you to enjoy, rather than simply "survive", your childrens' early years.
Olive helps with the feelings of mental and physical exhaustion and helps to keep you going, without collapsing in a heap. It also helps you to get a better quality of rest from the little sleep that you do get.
Cherry Plum helps with those feelings of being scared that you'll blow a fuse and smack or yell or just lose your marbles altogether. It helps bring the pressure cooker down a notch or two.
Impatiens helps with the feelings of impatience that little people can exact. They will do it in their own sweet time, thanks but if you'd like to get annoyed with me mum, I like any kind of attention. My youngest told me to take less of this remedy one morning last week, when it was eight-thirty and I wasn't yelling at her to get out of her pj's to get ready for school. "You're supposed to make sure I'm not late" she said, as I sat serenely with my coffee. She's the first to tell me when I'm needing to go take some Impatiens, when I'm getting irritated with her for being slow, so she really couldn't blame me for not trying to hurry her up, could she? She just mimics dropping some remedies into her mouth and points at the remedy-box when I'm nagging.
Willow helps with any feelings of resentment that might appear. When you find yourself thinking "why is it always me who has to do that?" and "It's not fair" this remedy will help you to let it go and not feel so sorry for yourself. There's no point in "huffing" and I should know 'cause I've wasted months of my life doing just that. Not any more, though-I take Willow and deal with whatever is bugging me rather than just moaning about it to anyone who'll listen.
Agrimony helps you to ask for help, if you're someone who thinks that you have to keep up perfect appearances to the outside world. Rather than raiding the fridge or downing a bottle of wine, this remedy will help you talk about what's bothering you rather than stuffing your feelings down and avoiding them.
Holly helps if you're feeling hurt and angry, whether your anger is outward at others or turned in on yourself. If you find that you're suspicious and jealous and supersensitive to real (or imagined) slights then this one will help you feel more sane and to do less "mind-reading". There's no point in thinking that you know what someone's thinking because there's no way that you can.
Elm helps to diminish those feelings of being overwhelmed. Plain and simple-you're not coping-it's all too much. It helps you to put things into perspective and to work your way through the things that do need done and to no sweat the small stuff. This remedy is especially helpful if you think you should be superwoman but are hiding in the bat-cave 'cause you don't know where to start.
And I think that's enough for now. I didn't know what format this would take and will see how it all evolves. I will look at some remedies for adolescence, perhaps or schooldays or something for next time. Weekly blog seems okay but it may take a different frequency depending on how well my Wild Rose" for my recent apathy works!!
Lx
Posted on Wed, October 22, 2008
by Linsey Denham