Firstly, let me tell you that this blog was written yesterday and I haven't got my days mixed up-honest. I just forgot to post it-oops
This week I have been doing pretty much nothing. Granted it's only Tuesday but I can see a pattern emerging for the rest of the week. I have put myself on some Wild Rose (for "can't be bothered") and Clematis (to try to help me focus) and typing this a day early has got to be the result of that :)
But I'm still pretty much doing nothing else.
I have had the list of my upcoming courses organised for a couple of weeks and yet it hasn't made its way out into the world outside my front room. This is a pattern with me and one which I am very conscious of.
Having taken Chestnut Bud (to break habits) for the last wee while, to try to help me moderate my alcohol consumption, I know that there are a few of my personality traits which are repetitive and unhelpful to my overall existence. Chestnut Bud has done a layer of its work around my love of wine and has taught me that my pattern of "abstinence then overindulgance" is not the answer-so, a lesson learned. I am not going to be giving alcohol up completely this time round. I don't know what I am going to do but I suspect that the fact that I've had this revelation means that I am no longer attached to finding a solution-it will just be what it will be.
Trading in my Chestnut Bud for the Clematis and Wild Rose is about taking charge of my future and I have added in some Wild Oat (to help me to discover what I really want to be doing)
I love teaching, I love giving Reiki and Bach sessions and I love writing. There is a job potentially coming up which I know that I would be great at but it would involve me working for the NHS again-EEK..............and I would be stressed. So, that job is not going to receive my application form, is it?
Did I ever mention that I am a big scaredy cat? I think that most of my fear is around responsibility, which sounds crazy coming from someone who has spent her whole adult life being responsible for the wellbeing of others. Sometimes I wonder why on earth I ever thought that nursing was a good career move for me and then I remember all the things I loved about nursing and I miss them.
Things like chatting to the patients. Sitting on the end of their beds when they had nobody to visit them and listening to them chat about whatever they needed to. Arranging the vases of flowers that the visitors brought to the wards. Having bed-making races with another team of nurses, to see who was the best bed-maker. Making a cup of tea for a patient in the middle of the night, when they couldn't sleep. Rocking a child to sleep when their parents had to get some sleep of their own..........the list is endless and I am sitting here thinking "Why did you stop?"
But I know why............things changed. I changed. Perhaps it would be different if I went back into adult nursing but I found in paediatrics that, after I had my own kids, I was too sensitive to the pain of the kids' I was looking after and perhaps even more affected by the pain of their parents, who I was responsible for supporting.
I am great at supporting people-it comes naturally to me. I don't have to think much about what to say or do-it's instinctual. What I forget to do sometimes is to protect myself from absorbing their grief and pain and I end up "empty" and perhaps this is where I am at just now. Maybe I just need to recharge? Perhaps I need to learn to moderate my amounts of support so that it is at a constant level rather than all or nothing (a bit like my drinking habits, eh)
Isn't it interesting when you write things down, what you discover. Seems like I am very much in the habit of being an all or nothing person and perhaps I will look at some of the remedies which may help me with that. Scleranthus is all about balance (it's the decision-making helper) and Vervain is for those who take on far too much in their misjudgement of their energy supplies and burn themselves out. Oak people take on other peoples burdens and ignore their own needs whilst Wild Rose can show it's negative state in overcompensatory activity as well as "can't be bothered"
I'm already on the Wild Rose, so let's see where that takes me. It can be required after an intense period of working on oneself and the past several years have been pretty full-on in that dept for me. Its Positive side-once I'm in balance-will be that of living in a feeling of freedom and flexibility.........................................not "all or nothing"
On that note I shall sign off although there are lots of lovely things to write about from this past couple of weeks.
A wonderful night-out with a group of great friends-to a Silver wedding (none of us felt old enough to be there although we're the same age as the happy couple) Lots of wine and lots of dancing and no hangover-fab:)
An encounter with a couple of lovely young lads, chatting about their religion and their chosen path in life. I'm always fascinated to hear of the beliefs of others-so much so that they're popping back round to see us tomorrow night to see what I thought of their literature. I might even swing a cuppa for them and write about the visit for next weeks blog.
And finally a change in my viewpoint on life. I know that I wrote the words to the song "the climb" on this blog and I still love the way it makes me feel when I hear wee Miley sing it but I've decided that life is going to be a Forest to explore instead of a Mountain to climb.
The author of the book I'm reading "Creative Flowdreaming" says that if you look at life as being a mountain to climb, you are always going to think of it as being a struggle. Whereas, if we look at it being like a journey, on the flat and as somewhere to explore, then we will be less likely to expect hardships along the way and actually create happier lives for ourselves. What a lovely thought and I'm running with it.
In this coming week, when you face a challenge of any size, try looking at it with curiosity rather than with fear, anger or impatience (or any other negative emotion) Wonder about its purpose in your life and what it may be teaching you. Accept it as a gift for learning about yourself and see how much easier it is to tackle. Give it a go :)
And I will, too.
Signing off with much love being sent to all,
Lxxx
Posted on Wed, September 15, 2010
by Linsey Denham