still meditating but this post is not about that :-)

still meditating but this post is not about that :-)


Happy Friday (which began as last Thursday, this Monday, this wednesday-oops)
I know that it has been more than a few days since I posted but it seems like every day has been swallowed up with everyday life.
And everyday life is great.
I don't know how I used to fit in everything that I did when the kids were small. And I used to be up at the crack of dawn to get started. Maybe that was the secret? If you are up at 6am, you are bound to accomplish loads ? But I do remember falling asleep pretty much every night when I tucked them in, which I suppose was expected.
Tiredness has been a huge factor for me this past few days. I seem to be running on empty.
Of course, there is the remedy Olive (for tiredness) that I could have been using but I was trying to stick with Pine as a solo.
Why, when I know that tiredness is a cause of stress (and therefore illness) would I opt to resist taking it for so long ?
We'll, there is still a part of me that errs on the self-destructive side. It is much less than it used to be but it is still there.
Take, as an example, the fact that, the other night, I was still sitting up watching 'mindless' TV at 1am when I knew that I had to be up and functioning at 8am. Why would I do that ?
Pine, I believe, is the correct remedy for me to stick with. It encompasses feelings of unworthiness, of not being good enough and, of course, it is the remedy for feelings of guilt.
Whilst I know that I do deserve great things and also that I am worth as much as everyone else, I wonder whether my subconscious is still processing those thoughts into feelings.
Being brought up in my generation (I turned 50 this week) meant that I was never praised for doing a good job or told that what I did was great. If I was acknowledged at all, it was to remind me that it wasn't good to think highly of myself. Don't get me wrong, my mum and dad did love me but they didn't want me to be 'big-headed'
And so I sit typing this, not feeling surprised that I may be harbouring some deeply ingrained guilt feelings around feeling good about myself. If I managed to fulfil all my dreams and became really successful, what would that mean ?
I look back to my childhood and to the hiding of my abilities so that people wouldn't think that I thought I was better than them-a recurring theme throughout my life. I became the 'dummy' who made jokes about herself and about anything good that people saw in me. It was easier than risking them thinking that I was feeling good about myself which was WRONG and BAD or so I thought.
I have so many close friends who struggle with this same emotion. It doesn't always stem from the same source as mine but they battle, as I do, to feel that they are good people who are as important as everyone else.
As always, when I have a revelation about my need for a specific remedy, I look around me to find that most everyone else needs it too.
The Olive is in my bottle, now but I think that it is playing catch up. I dread to think how tired I would be if I wasn't taking it.
I have also put myself on Hornbeam because I tend to feel more tired when I wake up than when I went to bed. I am also procrastinating big-time and am hopeful that hornbeam will get me going on all the stuff I need to do.
However, as I type this I am fighting off the word ELM and I suspect that it may be the right remedy to add next. My back plays-up when I am overwhelmed. It took me many years and surgery to realise this fact. The interesting thing is that I still don't recognise that I am overwhelmed until my back-pain says hello.
Maybe you also have a physical pain which is an indicator of stress ?
Give it some thought in the coming days.
On that note, I must go. This blog has been in creation for days and I am determined to post it today :-)
Love to all,
and I am still meditating and will write about that next time........soon.

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