week 4 and tales of childhood and tipsy teenagers.
Happy Monday and here I am into week 4 of my meditation programme and I have actually decided that this week I am moving on with the official week 3 (I repeated week 2)
This mornings meditation brought forward a lot of thoughts about why I resist being good to myself and why I am resistant to "shining" as brilliantly as I am capable of.
It has been niggling away all morning and I am connecting the dots back to my early childhood where I felt conflicted about showing how capable I was in case I was picked-on in school.
I lost most of my early primary school class when a new school opened closer to where they lived. My best friend (a boy called Kevin Smith who I adored) moved away at the same time.
My class was merged with the other class of the same age group but I never felt that I fitted in. I was shy and scared and the fact that I was very bright made me feel uncomfortable. I felt like the other kids didn't like me because I was top of the class and also lived just outside the border of where they all lived. Our house was ours. Everyone else lived in council housing.
I just felt like an alien and perhaps the fear of re-experiencing that feeling holds me back from showing everyone how much I am capable of?
I don't doubt that I can achieve all that I want to-I am just afraid of the conflict it may arouse.
Wow, didn't expect all that to come out but there you go.
The bullied child is obviously still inside me and needs to heal and move forward. I will write a new affirmation around it today, to try to undo the unhelpful programming inside my head. Mmmm...............
What shall I write?
On a totally different note, the house is still standing after Jens 18th on Friday (although the bathroom door needs replaced after Bill had to kick it in to release 2 tipsy teens. I never liked it) Jen enjoyed herself, mostly but was a wee bit stressed being sober and seeing what 40 teenagers get up to in your house, when under the influence. Bill, Ali and I camped out in the front room. We planned to watch a movie but we had an ongoing story outside the glass door which was too distracting. Andrew and Fraser were the upstairs police and encouraged those who wanted to be up there to make their way back down. The carpets are 'yuk' but they needed cleaned anyway so the house is getting a good old springclean. The kitchen laminate hasn't looked this clean since it was laid after I spent hours lovingly scrubbing section by section :-) Another silver lining is that Ali has decided that she never wants to have a house party-yippee.
Got to go, promised Jen that I would help with her paper round so she can get back to school for show rehearsals.
Hope your week is off to a fab start,
Lxx
Posted on Mon, February 27, 2012
by Linsey Denham